Expectations

This was our 2010 Christmas card picture. I have it sitting in a frame in the bookcase and when I caught a glimpse of it yesterday my heart sank. When we took this picture last year I believed with all my heart it would be the last Christmas card we would send without our Henry. As things are progressing right now the chances of Henry being home by Christmas are, well let's just say it would take a miracle. Not that I don't believe God can move mountains but I'm also trying to adjust my reality and expectations. I've hardly blogged at all about our adoption lately. In fact, I don't even think I posted our June number. (It was 49 in case you're wondering). I'm struggling....let me just throw that out there. For all you adopting mamas...I know you get it. It's hard to make sense of my feelings and for the most part I think I do a pretty good job keeping them in check. But then there are days that all I think and dream about is his face, how old will he be? What will he have endured in his little life? Where is he RIGHT now? Is he even born? I remember how anxious I would get at the end of each pregnancy. So eager to meet our newest little one and a bit of nerves at the same time. In some respects this is the same. But at least then I had a due date and fortunately for us they all came a little early. Something tells me we may be a wee bit overdue this time around. I'm trying to be okay with that and in my heart I KNOW without a doubt this is competely in His control. I am so thankful for that. It still doesn't make the waiting easy or tear-free though and this I'm finding is a good place for me to be...completely seeking Him and finding my comfort in Him.

Our Pastor recently started a series entitled "From Wilderness to Promise" and each week I find myself hanging on to each spoken word....for various reasons and circumstances we are presently facing. In Joshua 3 the Israelites are given instructions for following the Ark of the Covenant as they prepare to cross the Jordan River into the Promiseland. They are told, "When you see the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God, and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it.v.3 But it is verse 4 that struck me like a ton of bricks this evening (even though our pastor has covered this twice now...sometimes I'm a little slow). Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before. But keep a distance of about a thousand yards between you and the ark; do not go near it." There it is, right in front of me. Offering me wisdom and comfort. Follow behind Him, watch His lead and be obedient. This is new territory for us. We have never been this way before. I cannot compare this to the addition of our other children nor can I provide the Lord with my list of expectations. By complaining and whining about the time this takes or the challenges we are facing in the midst I am in a sense saying I don't trust in His plan. His sovereign plan. If I'm totally honest here, it's hard. The waiting is hard, the trusting can be hard and the unknowns can drive me crazy. But, I need to take those to Him...lay them at His feet and remember His promises. I am letting go of my expectations but still hopeful for miracles. I won't lie, I would sure love that fifth little monkey on our 2011 Christmas card.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

In his providential dealings with us, God brings us into situations from which we are unable to extricate ourselves by any endeavors of our own wit or strength. At times we are brought to the end of our resources and made conscious of our utter insufficiency. A.W. Pink